It is important to understand that it takes a great deal of courage for an abused woman to reach out for help. She may feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, fearful of being judged and very much alone.

When dealing with an abused woman in crisis, it is important to assess the danger of her situation. Attempt to reassure her that you are there to be supportive of her.

It is important not to judge her, advise her, or rescue her. She needs to feel in control. It is common for women to minimize the abuse that is happening to them. If you feel she is in danger, express your concerns to her. Do not make negative remarks against her abuser as she may feel the need to defend him/her, and she may still love him/her.

DO

Believe her

Listen and let her talk about her feelings

Give clear messages that:

violence is never okay or justifiable

the safety of the woman and her children is always the most important issue

woman assault is a crime

she does not cause the abuse

she is not to blame for her abuser’s behavior

apologies and promises will not end the violence

she is not alone

she is not crazy

abuse is not loss of control, it is a way of controlling another person

Talk with her about what she can do to plan for her and her children’s safety. Encourage her to make her own decisions

Help her find the good things about herself and her children

Know the key resources in the community and how to contact them

Get her a copy of a community resource list

Respect her confidentiality

Remember, emotional and psychological abuse is just as devastating as physical abuse

AN ABUSED WOMAN NEEDS SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT IN ORDER TO MAKE CHOICES THAT ARE RIGHT FOR HER. HOWEVER, THERE ARE SOME FORMS OF ADVICE THAT ARE NOT USEFUL AND MAY EVEN BE DANGEROUS FOR HER TO HEAR.

DON'T

Tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave

Tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder

Try to rescue her by finding quick solutions

suggest you try to talk to her abuser to straighten things out

Tell her she should stay for the sake of the children

Lose patience if she leaves, then returns to her abuser She still needs support.

Assume that because her abuser presents as a nice person and/or pillar of the community that there is no abuse

Assume that because a woman does not “fit” your personal beliefs of how an abused woman should be that she can’t be abused

Assume that because a woman is being abused, that she will be ineffective in many parts of her life. Many woman can be coping with the crisis of leaving an abusive relationship and still be a competent employee, active in the community, and an effective parent

DO NOT MAKE COMMENTS OR ASK QUESTIONS LIKE:

“I wouldn’t let a anyone beat me – I wouldn’t be around for the second time”

“I don’t understand why you just don’t leave”

“You must be getting something out of the beating otherwise you wouldn’t allow it”

“What did you do that would cause him/her to hit you?”

Questions and comments such as this only add to the burden of guilt the woman already carries.

BE PATIENT

It is her needs and values that are important and it is important to understand that it takes a great deal of courage for an abused woman to reach out for help. She may feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, fearful of being judged and very much alone.

UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN MAY NOT LEAVE, OR WHY THEY MAY GO BACK TO AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

Hope abusive behaviour will stop

No place to go

Fear of reprisals

Children make it difficult to find alternative housing

Financial problems, unemployment, lack of money

Fear of being alone

See quitting the relationship as a failure

no one comes to her aid

Guilt and shame, feel responsible for the abuse

Fear of retaliation on children or pets

Religious, family and social pressures

Lack of knowledge of available resources

Unwillingness to deprive children of other parent

A paralyzing sense of having no control over her own life

Views of beatings as isolated incidents

“Learned helplessness”

Fear of endangering friends or relatives who might help her

Isolation of women in same-sex relationship

A woman may feel safer in the relationship than in running away from her abuser because of threats made to harm her, her children or her family if she leaves

In some cultures female domination is an accepted practice

A lack of understanding and support by professionals

Fewer resources due to government restraints